This isn’t how it’s supposed to be, or is it?

Completely forgot about this blog. Subscribed to a newsletter for The Blasters and had to log in to confirm and there it was. It’s been a few years since my last note. A is now 27, still living in the garage. But now working full time, paying rent and one of the utility bills. K is 21 and is also working, selling equipment out of state. Staying out of trouble, still extremely negative, but has made improvements. S is 18 and lives in Santa Barbara where he is attending school. He is working at Whole Foods and attending SBCC. Just wrapped up his 1st yr of college and is getting ready to travel to Thailand in a few weeks. I am separated from my husband, and still in the process of navigating living without him in the same house. He has been sober 9 mos and came by Friday to talk. Turns out he was working on a step, to make amends. He said he was sorry. But it seemed so ingenious and insincere. He came because his sponsor told him to. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t say what he was sorry for. I just started crying. Had a rush of emotion. He just stood there, not sure what to say or do. I just sat there silently sobbing. I thought about all the years (28) that we were married. Raising a family, living life. And now I have to support a household, pay off our debt, deal with all the stuff we created over those 28 years alone. He rents a room from a co worker and just has to worry and care for himself. Which I’m sure is no easy feat for him, as I took care of everyone and everything all those years. And now as I’m getting older and my days of living a fulfilled life seem to be dwindling, I have no one to share it with. I haven’t filed for divorce yet, and I can’t even imagine dating at my age(51). This isn’t how it was supposed to be. The kids are all raised and now it’s suppossed to be about us, only there is no more us, it’s just me. So I’m trying  to make the most of the life I have. Friday,  after his failed attempt to make amends. I mean, how do you make amends for 28 years? Just show up and apologize seems so freaking insufficient. I feel robbed. He robbed my good years. The years I was young, thin, smart, full of life and energy. Now I’m older, definitely not thin, dark hair is graying, my body is tired and worn. I do not have the energy or memory I once did. Ugh. After he left, with still teary eyes, I grabbed the weed whacker and went out back to take care of some tall weeds. Only I didn’t think to check for dog shit, and as I guided the whacker over the grass, grass and dog shit begun to fling all directions, including mine. What a way to end a workweek! I showered and called it a night. Sleeping on he couch because I’m in process of re doing the bedroom. Woke up Saturday morning and headed to work. The staff accountant is on vacation and I needed to cover her duties. Worked till noon then headed to Mission Viejo to have lunch with my non freeway driving friend, Lisa.  Lisa and I go way back. She was my next door neighbor in the early 90’s. She has been extremely depressed for many years, often times not leaving her house. Saturday she was having  a good day, so went out to lunch. We’ve both put on some weight over the years and we were going to start eating better starting Monday. But before we started that, we decided to binge. Eat stuff we weren’t going to eat on our healthy kick. We went out to lunch and had Mexican food and beer. It was a long leisurely lunch and we talked for hours. After lunch we were getting ready to get in my car and drive back to her place, but she’s a smoker and wanted to have a cigarette. She didn’t have her lighter, but there was a cigar shop right next to the restaurant where we had just had lunch. I suggested we go in to get her a light. As we opened the doors, the aroma of the store was lovely. Rows and rows of cigars. As the man at the counter was waiting on a customer, we just walked up and down, looking at all the different kinds of cigars. Finally it was our turn, Lisa spied a pile of empty cigar boxes in a corner and asked he man if they were for sale. He indicated that they were and Lisa rifled thru the piles, pulling out ones that she wanted to buy. Lisa is a talented artist and her emotions are entwined in her work. She uses cigar boxes in some of her art. As she looked at the boxes, I continued checking out the cigars . I’ve never had a cigar and decided it was as good a time as any to try one. Picked out a $5 vanilla flavored one. I got a book of matches with my purchase which is the reason we ventured into the store. I asked the guy how to smoke it, which end to cut and goes in my mouth. He asked me if he could cut it for me. I nodded yes and he cut both ends. A small snip on one end, and a larger, complete cut on the  other end.  He explained that one does not inhale, but let’s the smoke float over the palate. Cigar smoking should be relaxing. Drove back to Lisa’s and smoked the cigar.It was relaxing, not at all what I thought it would be like. We then pigged out on banana cream pie and cheesecake. We had a wonderful time together. I then drove back towards my house and stopped in at His Place, a local church I frequent. My friend Sandie and her Butterfly Crafters group had a  vendor stand selling  their crafts and raising awareness of human trafficking. Just stopped In to say hi and show my support. Then I went to Fuzion, a newer place on Edinger by GWC to see The Blasters. I love live music. There were numerous opening bands , some better than the others. I loved Santos y Sinners, fronted by Gabby Gaborno, for early of Manic Hispanic and the Cadillac Tramps. Loved their sound. Gabby was his usual  charismatic self, only much thinner and older from when I saw him last. They had an amazing harmonica player too. But the Blasters were on point. Phil Alvin has such a unique, distinctive voice that is so naturally beautiful. His brother Dave was not there. And the bassist was awesome too! Just loved the whole sound, always have. Played many of their classics. for me, it wouldn’t matter what Phil was singing, I’d sit and listen, he’s that good. I was up front and toda, Sunday morning, my ears are still ringing!

Hello world!

My first attempt at blogging. I’m a  mother of 3 boys aged 15,18 and 24. I have been struggling with parenting them and a friend suggested I write about my experiences with them. So today, I decided to write about my challenges. Not sure how this works, but I guess I will start with a little background. My oldest, A is 24 and lives at home in a makeshift room in my garage. He is considering joining the Air Force and has recently begun to exercise to  get ready to enlist. He has had a few jobs over the years, but nothing that he has really been passionate about. He is an intelligent young man and just seems like he’s floating in his life.  He’s kinda of a recluse and doesn’t go out much. I often worry about his lack of socialness, but I always tell myself that it could be worse. He wasn’t always that way. He was once an outgoing, popular kid. But at some point in his late teens he kind of pulled back from the world and just kinda retreated into him  garage room. This past year he has  ventured out every now and again to fish ,bowl and play softball which I’m happy about. Things have always come easy to him and he has had difficulty in deciding on what he wants to do with his life. He is an excellent photogrpaher, musician, etc.  In my heart I know that whatever he sets his mind to, he will succeed at. I just wish he would do it soon, as he is approaching 25 and I really want him to get out and live his life. I take the  blame for him  being the way he is. I have instilled in all 3 of my boys that I want to provide the opportunity for them all to support themselves in a field of their choosing. I hated getting up and going to work most times at a young age. I wanted to give them what I didn’t have, a choice in their chosen career path.  I wanted them to love what they were doing for work. To not get up and groan at the alarm and dread going to some non descript cubicle in a non descript office  with only the glow of fluorescent lights for 8 hours, 5 days a week. I wanted them to jump up in the morning and look forward to doing what they loved and in turn it could sustain and support them and they would be happy. It definately has backfired on me and I have created the opposite of what I wanted for them. I now have 3 boys intent of doing the bare minimum to get by in life. I worked hard to give them this? Hell no. I really thought I was doing the right thing by working hard and setting a good example for themto follow, but none of them appreciate what they have. My middle son, K has provided me the majority  of my gray hair. He was born with a chip on his shoulder and it has continued to  grow from a pebble to the huge boulder it now seems  to be. He has continually throughout his life made poor decisions. He has a really bad send of judgement. Since his early teens he has been a challenge. He is rude, mean and ungrateful. He has had numerous run ins with the law since his freshman year of high school and he is progressivly getting into more and  more trouble. It’s like living with a time bomb, waiting for it to go off. It started with smoking cigarettes, then drinking, then marijuana, then lying and now it has gotten to the point of his life where he is straddling the line to incarceration. Last week he took $40 from my wallet , then lied about when I called him on it. I told him that if he didn’t return the money then he would have to move out because I could not live with a son that lied and stole from me. He returned the money but didn’t seem to be fazed much about being caught. Then several days later, he totaled his car while he was high, resulting in a knock at the door by the local police to inform me that he hit a pole and fence then left the scene. They wrote up a report and said to expect to be charged with hit and run. I thought for sure they were going to arrest him but they did not. He has keep getting into these precarious situations and somehow gets a slap on the wrist. The consequences of his actions have not been harsh enough. It scares me to think what is coming next. I am so worried that he is going to hurt himself or someone else by his lack of remorse and the continued self detructive path he is on. He is 18 and will 19 in a few months and he too doesn’t work. He makes comments about dying young and is seeming to be living his life as if its thats the case. I am at a loss for what to do for him. It’s so hard to sit by and watch him just not give a shit about life in general.  He’s attended court ordered classes. No change. He’s stood in front of a judge more than once with the threat of bars, again no change. He has had too many close calls. He has attended counseling, no change. My husband and I have yelled, cried, begged, prayed to no avail. A family member has taken him  on a ‘field trip’ to seedy motels and he has met people that are much older than he, that drive crappy cars, rent a room week by week, work minimum wage jobs, are missing teeth,etc all as a result of poor choices as a teen. Didn’t faze him. I don’t want to stop trying to get thru to him and I’m not sure what more I can do for him. I honestly don’t think that he is going to change until he stops blaming others for his actions and takes responsibility himself.  I don’t know how to get him to that point. I just hope it comes soon before the choices are taken away from him and doors start slamming shut on him. My youngest,  S is 15 and will be a junior in high school. He seemed to be on the right path but may be swerving off. Last night I received a call from the police that told me they had cited him for having an open container, a beer. He told me that he was at a friends house and as he was walking out the door, he was handed a beer. He got into his friends car and was instantly pulled over. He said what he did was stupid and that he was sorry. He seemed genuinely remorseful. He said he F’d up. Here I go again. Son #3 drinking at a young age, at least he’s remorseful and sorry? Again I blame myself. After all, his 2 older brothers haven’t set much of an example and neither have I by my lack of being able to get them on the right track. Anyway, this blog will be interesting, perhaps just a place where I can write my hopes and dreams and observations on my life and those around me. I hope it helps me figure out what I’m  doing wrong, because I really feel like a complete failure as a parent. Maybe I should have been stricter. Maybe I should’ve made them move out at 18. I wish I had a crystal ball that I could gaze into and see and know that one day they will be happy, self-supporting members of society. If  only………